Zach Jordan’s Plan

“Nine thousand dollars?” Bandit said, bolting upright. “What if I could give you more than that to release us?” The Glass Smashing Bandit and I, Space Wizard, were in a bit of a sticky situation. We had been captured by the Church of the Tinted Flock, led by the famous Zach Jordan. They planned to …

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Crazy for Foot Care

Looking after one’s feet always seemed like such a straightforward business – clip your toenails semi-regularly, whack a bit of moisturiser on your heels from time to time, and avoid nail polish if you’re not going to remove it once it starts chipping. Nowadays, though, it’s a whole different story. Not only are toenails the …

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Car Karma

Oh. My. Gosh. You won’t believe what just happened. Remember Tiff? The girl who won a brand new car on a gameshow when she was only sixteen? I think it’s time for another update on her. But to give a bit of a spoiler, let’s just say, I hope she’s found a Mornington shop that …

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Fix Your Parking!

Melbourne has a serious problem with parking, and it’s about time someone stood up and took notice. Last night I was half an hour late for the Boney Mac concert, first because I couldn’t find a parking space anywhere near the venue, and then because I had to park a thousand miles away. You know …

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Snowman. No, Man

I remember being kind of disappointed the first time I tried to make a snowman. It was the only time, actually, because I didn’t want to suffer the angst of creating another such undignified monster. Basically, it’s not at all how it is in American kids’ movies, where the snow is blanketed so thickly that …

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Spring Is Springing

Spring is in the air! I know that’s a cliche, but it’s true – it really is in the air. Some of my perennial shrubs are becoming distinctly fragrant, and flowers are starting to appear on my fruit trees, which is attracting the buzz of the local bees. It all adds up to a palpable …

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Prank Driver

In my spare time, I sometimes work for Goober, a ridesharing company that operates all throughout Melbourne. My clients often have an interesting ride, because I like to prank them. Most people take it for the joke it is, but there are a few who leave me negative reviews. Today’s one didn’t go so well. …

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Glazing Musings

Ah, Brisbane… perpetually sunny and warm, regardless of the season. Melbourne could really stand to take a leaf out of your book. I mean, not really – that’d be weird. But you know what I mean. Maybe I can just hide out up here til winter’s over. I’m staying in my cousin’s delightful cabin in …

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Not Twinning

My sister, who I share a house with, has her heart set on redoing the bathroom in purple and peacock blue miniature tiles. She keeps using terms like ‘wet room’ and ‘spa experience’, while brandishing the Larper’s Bazaar home interiors section and hopping around in the hallway. I’m not sure how to address this, as …

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Trucking Rules

I have disgraced the good name of truckers everywhere. I feel terrible, but there’s nothing I can do about it now, other than hand in my letter of resignation tomorrow morning. I broke the first rule of truck driving, and then the second one straight after it. It all started a few hours ago when …

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