I can’t believe it’s taken me this long, but I finally know how to escape the spiders: take to the seas. I’ve never been on a boat, ever. Why would anyone go on a boat in 2018, really? That got old the moment commercial planes started accepting passengers and everyone realised that a six-week journey in tiny cabins meeting the same people every single day was the greater of two evils. The food might be nicer, and there’s room to party on a cruise ship, but flying is so much quicker and time is money.
But now, I must learn the ways of the ocean to escape my eight-legged nemesis. It’ll be fun; could even pretend that I’m a pirate. I realise pirates didn’t really have to scour around for the best place to buy anchor winches. Melbourne history buffs out there, please refrain from judging. I’ll be a new kind of pirate. A pirate who lives alone on a houseboat and doesn’t break the law, or party whilst drinking bottle upon bottle of rum, or look for treasure, or… anything a pirate does, really. I heard once that if you love to sail the sea, you are a pirate. Pretty sure that was propaganda of some kind.
So, once I’ve learned about outboard motors and how to service them in the midst of a howling gale, I’ll be able to leave port and all the nasty creatures of the mainland behind. To think that the solution has been in front of my eyes this entire time: spiders can’t swim. Termites can’t swim, possums don’t like to swim, magpies have nothing to perch on out there in the sea, scorpions definitely can’t swim. Basically what I’m saying is that nothing bad could possibly happen on a boat. I seem to be the only person realising this, but whatever – more ocean for me. Once I’ve attended a few classes on outboard motor servicing, Melbourne region marine life and the ins and outs of gutting a fish, I’ll be good to go and start my new life.