Artificial Snow, Like the Snow of My Home Country

I don’t care what the council says; I NEED my snow machine. It gets me out of bed when the weather gets warmer, it makes me feel like I’m back in my home country of Yugoslavia, and it’s really the only reason I have to go on living for the six months of the year when my beautiful Yugoslavian bride goes back to Europe to look after her six dying grandparents.

I have reverse seasonal affective disorder, you see. Can’t stand the heat and it makes me feel sluggish and listless. I have my snow machine blowing snow all over my lawn only for the first six hours or so of each day, so I can walk out and at least see some vestiges of white powder remain, and I can watch the flakes falling while I’m eating breakfast. And don’t tell me it’s inefficient! I’ve done plenty of research into the commercial energy storage sector, and I’ve kitted out my home with generators of an industrial standard. I also have solar panels stuck all over my roof, also industrial-grade, because if the sun is going to make me miserable then it might as well make itself useful at the same time. It really appeals to me, the idea of stealing power from the sun and using it for our own, human ends. And the sun can’t do a thing about it. Sometimes it tries to hide behind the clouds to avoid giving me any power, but joke’s on you, sun; that just means a cloudy day, and less heat.

And now I’m being sent letters telling me to desist; so rude! This snow machine is medically necessary! And I’ve done all the research to justify it. I have my industrial solar system set up, the power generators, and…well, my beautiful wife isn’t here using energy, so this is basically what she WOULD be using. If she weren’t back in her home country taking care of her grandparents.